"Shit happens" is a common slang phrase, used as a simple existential observation that life is full of imperfections.

These jokes were posted at various times on internet in numerous collections. If someone claims copyright for any of these phrases and objects their inclusion here, please delete it from the list.

• 1984: SHIT IS FOOD
• 12-step program:
  • Shit happens one day at a time.
  • I am powerless over this shit.
• Agnosticism: You can't prove any of this shit happens.
• Anglicanism:
  • It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
  • Shit happens. God save the Queen.
• Bahá'í Faith: Shit happens universally.
• Bureaucrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
• Calvinism: Shit won't happen if you work harder, and you are shit.
• Capitalism: Shit happens to have a fair market value.
• Communism: Shit that happens is common and for all.
• Catholicism:
  • Shit happens but as long as you repent, it's OK.
  • Shit happens if you wear condoms.
  • If shit happens, you deserve it
• Charismatic Catholicism:
  • Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
  • Medieval version — If you say shit is happening, you'll burn at the stake.
• Church of Scientology:
  • If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
  • If shit happens, it's your fault.
  • A million years ago, some crazy alien shit happened, and we're still cleaning it up.
• Raelianism : Some crazy alien shit is gonna happen any day now.
• Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
• Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.
• Discordianism: FLYING BABY SHIT HAPPENS!!!!!
• Dyslexia:
  • Tihs happens.
  • This happens.
• Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
• Existentialism:
  • Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
  • Shit happening is absurd.
• Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
• Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
• Greek Orthodox Church: Shit happens, usually in threes.
• Hare Krishna:
  • Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
  • Shit Happens, Happens Happens Shit Shit.
• Horsekeeping: Shit usually happens just after you have mucked the horse out, or just after it goes ito its stable.
• Islamic Fundamentalists: If shit happens, it's a Zionist-Crusader plot!
• Jehovah's Witnesses:
  • Knock! Knock! "Shit happens!".
  • May we tell you why "Shit happens?"
• Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
• Lutheranism: Have faith that shit will happen.
• Mathematics: Shit happening is just a special case...
• Matrix: In reality, there is no shit. It's all in your imagination.
• Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
• New Age: Visualize shit happening...
• Pilates: Shit leaves after a few weeks.
• Presbyterianism: This shit was bound to happen.
• Protestantism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
• Purist: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
• Quakers: Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.
• Quayleism: Shite happense.
• Rastafari: Let's smoke this shit.
• Sadism: Let's rape and torture this shit.
• Seventh Day Adventists: Shit happens on Saturdays.
• Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
• Surrealism: Fish.
• Taoism: Shit happens.
• Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
• The Force: Shit... You're My Son.
• Unification Church: Only happy shit really happens.
• Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
• Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
• Wikism: Shit can be left in a public place for others to improve on.
• Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen.
• Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
• Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.

See also

• Internet humour
• You have two cows