Bruces' Philosophers Song (Bruces' Song) was a popular Monty Python song rendered in their stage shows ostensibly by a number of cod-Australian university lecturers. They were all called Bruce and taught at the University of Woolloomooloo. (Woolloomooloo is an inner suburb of Sydney, Australia. There is actually no university there.) Although the Bruces sketch previously appeared in the TV show Monty Python's Flying Circus, the song itself was original to the stage show.

The song's lyric makes a series of scurrilous allegations against a number of highly respected philosophers, usually with regard to their capacity or incapacity for imbibing intoxicating liquors.

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar

Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume

Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine

Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel!

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya

'bout the raisin' of the wrist.

Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,

after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away,

'alf a crate of whiskey every day!

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,

and Hobbes was fond of his Dram.

and Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:

"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;

A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

For a long time, opinion has been divided as to whether the sixth line is "Both Schopenhauer and Hegel" or just "William Friedrich Hegel", or whether it was Eric Hoffer or Thomas Hobbes who is described as being fond of his dram. Each have probably been both at various times; it just depends on how many philosophers' capacities for alcohol you want call into question.

See also : Monty Pythons Flying Circus, Bruces sketch